Had a full and friendly day today. I got up at 7 am to watch the Chinese GP, Simon came over and we played some old sounds, Gene Clark, Revolver, Starless and Bible Black, MC5. During a Beefheart DJ'ing session my beautiful mate from Madeira Maneulina joined us about one o' clock. Si left about three, Mark from 'The Pool' arrived and the three of us spent some hilarious time together til dusk.
'When you lived with me' said Mani 'I asked you if you'd have any more kids and you said yes, I thought, yeah I can see Dug doing that and look what's happened'
I forgot she asked me that when I was living with her.
LITTLE GEEZERS
I just love kids when they're growing up, from babies until about fourteen. I adore what some call the terrible two's, Kate and Hen's anarchic behaviour was outrageous and hilarious, the growing communication, the wisdom they give you if you're open to it and the endless amounts of learning for all involved, and yes there was a deep yearn to be a part of that process again.
Taking myself back to that moment I remembered my thoughts in more detail. I had thought somehow it would be beatific but I didn't want the responsibilities that would go with being a father at my age. I've got a huge responsibility for my two children Kate and Henry until I die, to always be there for them as unobtrusively as possible. Further, practically I would need a 'partner' and after living by myself for over seventeen years I can't really define relationships in that way anymore.
However, Mani had helped me realise re-affirmation,
Taking myself back to that moment I remembered my thoughts in more detail. I had thought somehow it would be beatific but I didn't want the responsibilities that would go with being a father at my age. I've got a huge responsibility for my two children Kate and Henry until I die, to always be there for them as unobtrusively as possible. Further, practically I would need a 'partner' and after living by myself for over seventeen years I can't really define relationships in that way anymore.
However, Mani had helped me realise re-affirmation,
in that you get whatever you want if it's done with love, from the heart.
On my last visit to Devon to visit my friends Bec and Lauren who I helped have their child Ethan, I was being presented with exactly what I had put my hand up for all those years ago. I'm sure that we meet our friends and foes for a reason, to learn, to be supported and supportive in times of crisis etc. I think all three of us have learnt so much about ourselves in the past year and this is a possible
reason for why we met.
When I saw Ethan I can't say that I didn't feel connection, it totally floored me because I wasn't expecting it.
On my last visit to Devon to visit my friends Bec and Lauren who I helped have their child Ethan, I was being presented with exactly what I had put my hand up for all those years ago. I'm sure that we meet our friends and foes for a reason, to learn, to be supported and supportive in times of crisis etc. I think all three of us have learnt so much about ourselves in the past year and this is a possible
reason for why we met.
When I saw Ethan I can't say that I didn't feel connection, it totally floored me because I wasn't expecting it.
The closest I can get to the feeling was a Kapow of positive confusion, a unique feeling akin to finding a new colour. I was holding someone I helped bring into the world for Bec and Lauren to have their adventure with.
What I saw was a little geezer I could have some fun with, perhaps like how a Grandad feels, sort of once removed, difficult one to describe, protectiveness came into the mix, but not the feeling of a father. It was a test for how I predicted I would feel before he was born and after a day or so of mind blowing emotional confusing garbled messages I had defined my role which felt comfortable.
What I saw was a little geezer I could have some fun with, perhaps like how a Grandad feels, sort of once removed, difficult one to describe, protectiveness came into the mix, but not the feeling of a father. It was a test for how I predicted I would feel before he was born and after a day or so of mind blowing emotional confusing garbled messages I had defined my role which felt comfortable.
I probably for the first time in my life while watching Bec and Lauren play with Ethan, hearing him laughing, took on board that I had helped my friends have their dream. For me to accept any gratitude, thanks, well dones has always been difficult, but since I've been home, I've given myself a pat on the back which is most unheard of and quite refreshing.
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