Hey Nineteen

My job is ending with a whimper. People are being let go and quitting all around me. The people that run things have sown to a low wage-high turnover business model and mid management (that's me) is reaping a whirlwind of a hiring/training merry-go-round.

We use craigslist because it's free. I've spent the last three days doing interviews. I don't have to work hard to sell the position even though it's minimum wage, no benefits and nowhere to go. People need work and they are applying everywhere, via email and fax. They're hooked up with referral networks. And here they are sitting across from me God bless 'em, clinging to their poor little Bachelor's Degrees. My problem is finding the ones that will give me a good 6-12 months without getting offered a real job.

I'm looking for a kid that's working their way through night school and is too proud to work fast food. I don't worry about computer skills, they all have em up the wazoo. I want somebody I can work with all day in a small area, that can touch type around 50 wpm. A sense of humor helps.

I've devised a simple test. A Word Pad document I've saved to my desktop as Typing Test. It goes like this.

Chloe was a neighbor girl

who walked round in a trance

A lot like Sissy Spacek

at that homecoming dance...*

It mimics a classic data entry cadence surprisingly well and if an applicant can make it to Darby in the second verse within one minute they type good enough for me. I have them sit in my chair at my desk and try to make them comfortable. They're always nervous. I explain the test and when they are ready I say go and they start typing.

I watch their eyes to confirm they are touch typing instead of memorizing the phrase and then watching their hands. I watch the clock on the wall for the time. But most of all I watch their face for a roll of the eyes or a smile. If they make it to Darby in the second verse without some kind of reaction I don't want to work with them.

Interviewed a fine Latina

her name was Darlene

She smelled so good now all day long

I'm humming hey nineteen

thinking 'bout Cuervo and Columbian - brown skin and fine black lace

she types 40 words per minute now

but honey that's OK

Cause she smiles in the right places

and she understands the rhymes

help this dirty old soul survivor

make it though these dirty times


* "I Bow Down and Pary To Every Woman I See"
written by Chuck Prophet, Kingsblood Music (BMI)