Once you went to a spa when you felt tense. Now you feel tense going to a spa.
(Maureen Dowd, New York Times, Jan 18, 2009)

Good afternoon, and welcome to the Imperial Spa by MSM. My name is Andrea, and I will be your guide on the Expedition.

Yes, of course, Mrs. Harris, I know that you are only here for a lip wax, and you have to be back at work in forty-five minutes, but in order to truly appreciate the Imperial Spa you really ought to begin your Expedition in the African Coffee Den.

Here, have a seat in this bark canoe. To reach the African Coffee Den, you must float down our Metropolitan Congo. No, there will not be any Animatronic pirates. Why do you ask?

You will not find an experience like this anywhere else in this city. Except for the other spa by MSM, but this one is newer. MSM, we are proud to say, is a British organization, except of course for the seventy-percent owned by Dubai.

Here we are in the African Coffee Den. Our Signature beverage is the Tampopo Roast, which is not really coffee. Tampopo is what they call dandelion in Japan, which is not in Africa. It is very healing, not to mention diuretic.

Yes, I know, you are anxious to get your lip wax and return to work. But here is your Tampopo Roast and an algae-shiitake biscotti.

Are you quite sure you don't want to finish it? Well, please come with me then. You will want to prepare yourself to best receive the benefits of your treatment with a visit to our Zoroastrian Locker Chamber.

Sauna? Yes, we know it looks like a conventional sauna, but we prefer to call it the Fiery Cedar People Box. And the tile room here with the steam coming up, that is the Purifying Vapor Box.

Look. Isn't this beautiful? The Arctic Particle Urn. Yes, that's this big pretty ice bowl. You rub the ice all over your naked body. Strangely, none of our guests ever seem to do it. But here at the Imperial Spa by MSM we continue to try to educate our guests.

You want to hurry on to your lip wax? Certainly. We'll just float you back to the Den then.

Yes, I know you only want a lip wax, but it would be simply unethical of me not to encourage you to continue your Expedition with the healing benefits of a relaxing and rejuvenating four-hour treatment we call Manifest Destiny. See how stressed you are? I see. You are already late for work, you say? Why not call and ask your employer to join you in your healing Expedition? It would be unethical not to let him know how healed and nourished he could be here at the Imperial. Let me just rip your mustache off and then you can really relax.

Sorry I forgot to wax your lip, but now that your feet are simmering in a warm bowl of garlic infused tap water, who cares? Let me just add these chopped carrots and a chicken neck. My god, what's the matter with your face? Oh, you already use MSM products. No wonder you skin looks so fantastic. How would you like to feel after this treatment? Let's see, based on what you have told me, I believe that you would like to feel less irritated. Your body will reflexively know which essential oil blend will cause you to feel that way. Yes, I knew it. Your body needs the one that smells like a gin and tonic.

We begin your treatment by exfoliating your entire body with an Asian device we call the Ovum of Forgotten Skin. No, of course it is nothing like the foot sloughing eggs you see advertised on cable television. Then we further polish you with a fragrant pumice of pulverized gravel.

Whoa, was that a healing scream for you? Please forgive me for not warning you that part of this treatment involves dumping the contents of the Artic Particle Urn on your stomach. Here, I will follow it with some scalding rocks. Its extremely detoxifying.

Next we envelope you in a soothing, full body smear of warmed Balkan mineral-rich earth. Yes, I know, sometimes the rich mineral goodness overpowers the smell of the essential oils we use to mask it. But rest assured that this dark brown goo is pure, wholesome Eastern European mud. Unless, of course, crazy Mr. Earnsworth has gotten into the prep room and been naughty again. Those wacky guests! We love 'em.

Relax. See how I pamper you with a flurry of sweet-smelling face and scalp products in the hope that you will be so taken with them that you buy them without asking how much they cost. They are so good for you, it would be unethical for me not to simply add them to your bill.

Your entire body will now be lovingly caressed with warm, smooth, pretty bits of cheap crockery from China. These strokes are done according to healing arts techniques more or less adapted from those of Kreeku, an island in the Pacific. Never heard of it? Neither has Google Earth. That is why this is such a rare part of your Expedition. No other spa has these techniques.

Yes, of course I am going to rub your neck and shoulders. You know, a lot of people seem to ask for that. But first let me execute this precisely memorized and rehearsed series of extremely silly movements choreographed by senior staff at our headquarters. You would not want your experience here to be any different from one you will have at an MSM spa in Montenegro, say, or Nagasaki, or Guyana. Would you?

Isnt it amazing how I can do an upside-down split and still reach up and tickle your toes? And here--this is a move we call snapping turtle. Uh-oh. Your nose was not supposed to bleed.

This sideways clawing across your limbs is completely in accordance with ancient Kreekun concepts of energy balancing.

Why, you ask, am I cracking this lovely bit of china over your head? Because I am executing your treatment precisely in accordance with the protocols from the Ministry. Now watch this!

You'd better believe that took practice, applying deep, precise pressure to the Kreekun energy center deep in your solar plexus while executing a somersault over the table from a standing position. I will just clean up the broken glass over here by the product trolley while you try to breathe again.

Mrs. Harris? One of my colleagues has slipped a note under the door. From your boss. Its a lovely shade of pink. Says not to bother coming back. So now you can really relax.

Just so you know, we also have a private room for couples treatments. You and your partner can relax in a bubbling, mineral-rich swamp complete with live alligators. Then the entire staff, dressed as Congolese maidens, come in and hurl pointed sticks into your vital energy points. It really is the ultimate in healing luxury. No other spa has it.

Ding! Thats our Kenyan cow bell. It signals the end of your treatment. Sorry I never got to your neck and shoulders. But let me escort you to what we call the Veldt Room, where you can recline on a warm soft mound of Astroturf with an individual set of headphones for as long as you like. You can allow yourself to deeply relax and enjoy the full benefits of the treatment, and then you can go and pay your nine-hundred-twenty-eight dollar bill. Plus tax and gratuity, of course. You have enjoyed your service, havent you, Mrs. Harris?

With MSM, you can travel all over the world, and be assured of a standardized, predictable, completely ridiculous experience. And isnt that the epitome of luxury in this stressful, modern world?