After fifty years of life I thought it pertinent for me to try and communicate my personal philosophy. I have been working on this subject for most of my life, since the age of five to be exact, 1966 was the year that everything in the world changed for me and since that date I have had no option but to spend all of my quiet moments putting it together for over forty five years.

It is almost impossible to put into words, a vision, a transmission, a voice, words could never describe the actual event but what follows is me trying to explain in the latter.

A complete empiric experience of the Universe in all its love and pure symmetry, what seemed like every bit of knowledge that existed, truth; fired at me in a few seconds, a feeling of complete oneness, the laughable way we as humans have wrestled an illusion together for our own needs not having a clue to the meaning of life. I looked round at our house and couldn't stop laughing, it just seemed ludicrous, I thought everyones facing the wrong way and the solution is so easy, as easy as one plus one.

My mother came out into the garden to me as I was rolling about laughing, Are you ok? and I replied still laughing said Yes I know everything and for those seconds did. I ran to my bedroom and put my head on my bed kneeling to try and induce something that I thought would be with me for the rest of my life which capriciously disappeared.

I realise now that it never capriciously disappeared, it's always there and always has been, always in the moment, it's one's choice if you want to be open to connect.

I have this adventure journaled since 1993 the first year of my sobriety at 34 and have kept these up to date. Initially there are over fifty hand written books, in the past three years I have had the luxury of a pc and the journal continues in naughts and ones.

I have been waiting to consolidate this work; for the right time and now in my fiftieth year it feels the right instance to begin what seems like a monumental task. There is a part of me that fears the work getting lost, I exist in the moment in those books and it would be a shame for all the blood sweat and tears to disappear.

Some people have material possessions they have accrued through success, some have a lifestyle based firmly in the illusion which is right for them. What happens if the illusion they have bought into suddenly lets them down? I found myself in the illusion for sixteen years, thought it was my only option, job, house, car, but all the time I mistrusted it. From my earlier experience at five I was shown quite clearly the laughable human illusion that we've built through years of ignorance.

During my work within the illusion I managed to create an illusion to present to the illusion which seemed to work successfully earning me six figure salaries for many years. It wasn't until I could see that I was good at playing a role within that illusion that I got the confidence to milk it, although felt when I was working for any major corporate it was enemy territory; would I get found out as an infiltrator? I knew what I was doing at last but it felt dishonest. It bit me hard in the arse as I just couldn't play its game anymore, I'd burnt to a cinder and nearly drank myself to death becoming Alcoholic.

In the process of milking it, it milked me, a long interesting story that I will explain in the way it re-enforced what I already knew and how I was sucked in to something that was worse than any apocalyptic twisted psychological horror. This culminated in a complete breakdown of any worldly cognition, I was clinically insane for two years with occasional flashes of lucidity of how I couldn't manage within the illusion anymore. I was in an impervious emotional re-enforced metal box, there was no escape it seemed apart from blotting all out with alcohol hoping It would make me ill enough so someone else could take over my life, I'd given up trying to make sense of it.

The past fifteen years has given me the time to do what I enjoy most, being creative with art and life. The past four years have been the best years of my life as I understand that life is a chosen journey, everything that happens in your life you have somehow asked to happen. You have the ability to design what is going to happen and take the lessons associated with those choices. Life is choice, you have the choice to live your life in any way you want.

Mine is complete in the way I have the most fantastic friends, a roof, heat, food and a place I love to live. My material wealth are the journals I have written over the years, the articles I have had published, the albums of music I have made and the songs I have written or co-written. I'm happy, I'm content, I am so grateful I don't have to work as other people see work, i.e. doing something you mostly dislike for five days a week, that's for those that can. If I was made to do that again it would be difficult to fire my soul

My passion for the past ten years has been working in the community for those people such as myself who have fallen foul of the illusion, perhaps because most of my clients could see it was just that. They couldn't see the point, could see the truth of what it is all about and couldn't adhere to it's morals and control. The Heroin addicts and the Alcoholics trying blotting out past trauma's caused by the fact they couldn't understand the world as it is, the mentally ill and abused, the sexually abused, the forgotten.

I loved this work and have dedicated the past ten years to working with people, non judgmentally, with unconditional love. I've been subjected to psychotic violence, jumping recklessly into the middle of uncountable fights to break them up, knives, broken bottles, no fear, I hate seeing people hurt one another.

As a child, sickly mostly with Excema and Ahstma, I had nothing much to fear apart from making a believable excuse as to why hadn't done my homework or faking an Ahstma attack so as I could get out of Rugby. I remember rainy winter afternoons in the warmth of the school Library, the rain gusting against the stained leaded glass windows while looking at the pictures in Paris Match. My colleagues would be outside snorting out Flem and steam from their nostrils, dressed in only the thinnest of garments, to boot a shower to wash the mud off to end the, for me, torture.

My Parents new fear and how they dealt with it from a very early age as they lived through the Second World War. I didn't know how I would react in a situation of life or death or fear of injury. I knew I needed to experience life in that reality, the gritty front line of life which developed my humility.

I've been at University for the past ten years, I've learnt so much in the only way I know how to learn which is hands on experience. I've experienced every pantone of emotion for which I am grateful for. There's a quote by William Shakespeare the says There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so

I've known and had a relationship with one hundred and thirty four people who have either taken their lives or overdosed on Heroin, some of the most beautiful souls I've met, I know death well having my own near death experience while being de-toxed from Alcohol.

My main message to my clients is you too have a choice. Try and find your higher power other than the drugs which are killing you and you stand a good chance of getting through this with the truth that when one connects with The Universe, God, Love, whatever you want to call it, magic happens.

I myself, have had for many years regular periods of dark depression and know how difficult this message is to hear, when your in the bottom of the deepest darkest well. It's almost inaudible, impossible to even see the bottom rung of the rope ladder that's been thrown down to you. I seemed to develop the knack of putting people at peace with themselves to get them through another day, perhaps a smile, mostly letting them know that there was someone who didn't think they were shit.

I had my first major breakdown happened during the 1991 and 1992, when I realised that I had to do something I hated for the rest of my life and my coping method of Alcohol and Diazepam was getting wildly out of control to the point of insanity.

After a few years of trying to live without alcohol by 1994 I fell in love and by 1995 I was back in the City trying to earn a living to pay my way, I again ended up falling foul of the illusion, by now I had no chance of 'playing the game' and dissolved again in a horrible mess.

My new life started when I started doing the work I had a passion for in 1999, working with and helping people. This was exactly I had been waiting for, I could see in reality what I had experienced at the age of five. The exact opposite in living metaphor, the majority, the outcome of those who can see and are discarded by society because they really can't fit in to the illusion that was so vehemently thrown at me at that early age.

I put the love of that work before me and have burnt out three times ending in another major mental breakdown in 2005.. In the past two years I've learnt to love myself, a totally new experience for me and probably the biggest and most important of my life. I've managed to make friends with the illusion, to use it honestly where necessary which can be done.

My past illnesses are catching up with me, my skin is paper thin from the steroids I have used for excema, I have at least five infections a year and am developing leg ulcers. Excema in my latter years has mostly been induced by anxiety, a vicious circle, but the life I live now, however physically and sometimes mentally uncomfortable, is the richest period of life I have ever experienced.