Parties.

Why do I abhor parties? For me it feels like a waste of my time, like reading fiction. I feel a fool joining in with that scene, dishonest trying to pretend I'm having fun in that scene. I suppose mostly, I like sitting with a person quietly discussing our thoughts and ideas, no barriers, free flow, no ego.

Parties for me were scary right from the start, Primary school years. It was as though I didn't see the point in them, didn't understand what the difference was; and yes my peers acted differently to when they were at school or if we were playing together. I could not tune into that frequency.

To this day I still can't, unless people don't expect me to do anything but observe. If I'm left alone along with a few visits from the odd party goer, bit of chat, I can cope for a while these days. If anyone wants me to; what I feel as to perform for them against my will, or says 'Come on, come on', or to me even worse, 'Come on, join in', they have been known not to reach the 'on' or 'in' part of the sentence. They don't really understand the fear I have of just that, obviously fear equals anger and it's been known to come out sideways a little. I can't join in with something I don't understand myself, it would be acting out an embarrassing lie.

However I love to observe people having fun, it makes me happy, up's my mood. That's something I can relate to 'having fun', I do it my way they do it theirs, surely there's some middle ground in that but oh no, come on, join in etc. We know how to make you have fun, over here by the dj, come on dance, bastards.

It's Brighton's Gay Pride this weekend and I'm outa here. Yes it's a magnificent spectacle, I love the parade, I love trying to get from one end of St James Street through the jammed party throng about midnight, what a buzz but this year I need to escape the hysteria, the whole city parties, get my drift?

Somethings changed in the last year, I don't know whether hitting fifty in January has any significance, it's a little like a permission to be me with no fear of consequence or judgment. That's all it's taken; fifty fuckin years to work that one out.

For anyone who comes across this who hasn't got to this point under they age of fifty, it's only a choice, heart not head, just a choice, there all the time, be your convictions, all it is, just a choice, oh and you're being as stupidly blind as I've been.

For those that have, yes I'm a slow learner.