Woman may be pleased to know they are not the only ones that suffer the gravitational pull of age to certain parts of their anatomy. While they complain about once pert breasts that turn  slowly into pendulous sacks of potatoes, men are having the same ordeal with their testicles. The over forty male will start noticing the slow progress of his scrotum heading southwards at a velocity almost unnoticeable, until someone points out to him that he might have one knee bigger than the other. 'Oh! I'll have it looked at' he says innocently and realises that the boys have dropped out the barracks again. Another tell tale sign is the wear of ones trousers towards the back of the crotch, the material gets thinner until small holes are worn, it's then one must be extremely careful as to what underwear is chosen.

I had an embarrassing incident while visiting an angel of a woman that I was making headway with, no romance yet but it was definitely on the cards. It was a hot summers day last July when she asked me to her flat for herbal tea and  some lunch. Due to the tardiness of my washing schedule I found I had no clean underwear apart from a very old pair of Y fronts with a beer mat design, not very trendy and very faded. The only feasible option was to put on my 501's and trip out into the hot summer sunshine commando style which gave me a sense of freedom and cool natural air conditioning. She met me at the door dressed in pink, so elegant and feminine, kissed me on the cheek and asked me in. While we drank our tea she read me my Aquarian star chart and put on some really laid back dubbed Burning Spear sounds, the windows were wide open, the sea was rolling and so were her eyes. They kept glancing down between my legs and shooting off to the view outside the window. I was sitting rather stylishly on the floor, arms round my right knee with my other leg akimbo. As her stare become more transfixed on my crotch I looked down and horror of horror, one of the boys had popped out through one of the aforementioned worn holes. The sight I must admit was not pretty, almost shocking, very animal and turned a romantic lunch into what felt more like a gorillas tea party or one of those documentaries about operations. After she threw me out I walked home with my dignity and self esteem at an all time low, my stomach still churning with terminal embarrassment, something had to be done!

I wondered if there was a cosmetic solution to this issue but could not find anything in my back copies of the Lancet. However while thumbing through my medical journals I was noticing many advertisements for different anatomical support systems until pow! The thought hit me, the Testicle Bra! It just made so much sense, woman had for years worn bras for the breast, ones that uplift, hold and separate, cross your heart, push together, the famous sports jobby, the wonder bra, the list is almost endless. Why not invent something on a smaller scale that held men's testicles in an orderly fashion which would also decrease the risk of having an ordeal such as mine.

I immediately rang a good friend of mine Dr Gilberto Spong with the idea of streamlining such a concept. He congratulated me and said he would be willing to work with me on the design and would also give me the benefit of his medical knowledge. Two days later we had come up with 'The Standard' fully adjustable testicle bra and knew of a Jewish tailor that we could trust to make the first prototype. We wanted to stay clear of the pink medical plastic artificial limb look, we used the best imported Russian linen and Belgian lace made by Nuns from the Order of Liege. Admittedly the first Testicle Bra was costly and a bit of a balls up, looking a little like a feminine pair of World War Two fighter pilots goggles. However with many late nights, hard work and lateral thought we have now got a fully operable pair that we are very proud of.            

The story doesn't end there! We set up a think tank of men over forty with similar testicular issues and between us have designed an array of bras for all occasions. One of our favourites is 'The Comedy Bra' complete with two eyeballs on springs, with an optional 'nose pouch' feature which has been popular at parties and social gatherings. 'The Gortex' is especially favourite with golfers, functional, ventilated and allows free movement, 'The Edible' comes in four different flavours, Damson, Plum, Aubergine and Melon although great caution is required as stated on the advice note. You can test the safety of these by offering your partner a hard boiled sweet, if they start crunching it, be very careful.

We have been very careful in our designs and our apparel are built to a high standard. Although currently handmade we are looking at mass production and global distribution of our products. If there are any venture capitalists interested in investing in this unique opportunity, we currently need seven million dollars to complete our vision and to pay off four law suits due to the unfortunate malfunction of early prototypes. Cheques can be made out to 'Pallett and Spong Testicle Support Systems'. You can't go wrong with Pallett and Spong, nifty eh?