Medland Law has been hired to represent another orca involved in a West Coast attack that occurred this morning. The killer whale is the property of AguaMundo, located near the Mexican border in Southern California. Due to his expertise and previous representation of killer whales, Medland Law partner Jiminy Jones (JJ) is handling the case.

Medland Times Media (MTM) sent investigative reporter Jack Loft to interview JJ.

Loft: "Let me tell you about the reports we have coming in before we hear what you and your client have to say. We've been told by numerous anonymous sources that the attack Villicum (aka Villainous Villie) is responsible for has killed at least a dozen smokers. Witnesses said that the Villie actually leaped out of the water, slithering like a snake while pulling himself along with his pectoral and pelvic fins at an astounding speed. Can you tell us why Vinnie singled out smokers?"

JJ adjusting his Lennon-esque glasses as he brushes his receding thinning, unkempt gray hair back: "Well, we're not accepting the blame for any of this. I've spoken with Villie at length and have to put the blame on the media, confusion, and liberals."

Jack Loft: "What the fuck JJ! I understand confusion undoubtedly played a part in this most recent tragedy, but how can anyone fault the media or Liberals?"

JJ: "You obviously haven't been watching Fox, or the new Christian broadcast 'Xtreme Sermons.' Clearly, Liberals are responsible for nearly every social ill, and the approaching apocalypse."

Loft: "Oh yeah. I forgot."

JJ: "Let me jog your memory. Villie is a victim. He's an old guy who was purchased by AguaMundo for more than one million dollars before marine life brokers moved on to genetic patents and marine parks began trading marine mammals rather than buying them. Villie was just a calf when Liberals snatched him from his mother's teat and sold him to AguaMundo so other Liberals could watch him perform like a sea clown. The wicked Liberals then invested their ill-gotten gains in an herbicide called atrazine. They say that if a person stands down by the sea Villie's mother can still be heard calling for her son, although she has been dead for more than a decade. Those who have heard the mother's cries of anguish say she'd call, 'Rush, Rush... Help my son.' I guess her pleas were ignored by some fat guy strung out on dope."

Loft: "We understand that AguaMundo is implementing disciplinary measures against Villie to assuage smokers' anger and protect their investment from being 'put down.' Is this true?"

JJ, adjusting the lapel of his corduroy sports jacket and uncomfortably resettling in his office chair, "Yes. A group of vegetarians has been trying to prove vegetarian diets are good for everything. AguaMundo has, until now, resisted their efforts to feed Villie a diet of vegetarian menudo, but ... We've asked the court to intervene, but the judge is vegan."

Loft: "Why did Vinnie only kill smokers, and how did he know which visitors smoked?"

JJ: "As you may know, aquatic life is very susceptible to environmental contamination. The Liberals invested in atrazine, which is an endocrine disruptor, meaning it fucks with hormones. Villie, after all he'd been through, was suffering a chemical sex change. The poor old guy was growing breasts and a young male in his enclosure kept making passes at him."

Loft: "Yes, but this doesn't explain Villie's hatred of smokers."

JJ: "He didn't just kill smokers. We needed something to generate public sympathy for our client. My high school pal Rich Mark is working for the tobacco companies these days. When I told him our plan he said the company he works for would handle the media and pay for Villie's defense - as long as no one finds out. Those people who died are martyrs for the tobacco companies because people think they were singled out to die for smoking. Truth is, we all die when our time comes. A few relatives of victims have come forward to say their relatives didn't smoke, but media accounts are what matters. I told Mark that using our client would cost more than legal fees and the company has agreed to create the 'Free Villie Foundation' with an initial endowment of $60,000 and a couple of cartons of cigarettes. Here... want one? I can't afford to buy the fucking things anymore."

Loft: "Sure Man! Here, try some of this Purple Panacea. They say it cures smoking too. Got any of those Xanax Villie's eating?"


And a parade of plastinates marched over the bones beneath Flathead Lake while Medbud Mama gobbled atrazine tablets and read a poem about ethics