(The following report from MedLand Times Media (MTM) clearly illustrates some of the reasons Ms. MedBud Mama left the Portland area to found the community of MedLand near Eugene, Oregon. Given his familiarity with the Metro region, MTM asked Reporter, Jack Loft to investigate the situation there.)

The escalating crisis in Portland continues to spiral out of control faster than Bangkok's. At the time of this report, most of the downtown area has fallen into the Willamette and the social atmosphere can only be described as anarchy. Methhead Mac and his Maniacs have removed every manhole cover in the city, selling them for scrap which is currently in transit to China. As with the invasion of Baghdad, concerned people are trying to rescue cultural relics, including Metro's pioneer cemeteries. However, now that no metal remains in the area, Methhead Mac and the Maniacs have located a website where collectors buy funerary collectibles from ghouls. And yes, the definition is correct as it applies to Methhead and the Maniacs. Suffering amphetamine psychosis, they are digging up fresh graves and consuming flesh. But it's the funerary collectibles bringing in the money for more meth.

The wondrous Ms. MedBud Mama is in Portland and has commented on the situation. Those who are not familiar with the Magnificent One will delight in making her acquaintance. She is a 6'9" 390 pound landed Dutch immigrant transsexual who works as a medical marijuana advocate by day and a phone sex provider at night.

Ms. MedBud seems appalled as she speaks of the current situation in her former hometown, "It baffles me that humans can find so many ways to disrupt what should be the peaceful flow of existence. Sure, every river has rapids, but we get past them to float tranquil waters. The sacrilege we see in Portland is an epidemic that has spread throughout our culture, the endgame being at hand here. We must find a peaceful solution to the diseases of greed and terminal conflict before mankind finds herself awash in the surf called retribution."

Many of you may not know MTM Investigative Reporter, Jack Loft. Loft is the diminutive, Rubenesque little guy who is infatuated with Ms. MedBud. As Mama spoke, Jack's eyes followed her expressions , shining with a lovelight greater than the magnitude of the sun . MedBud hugged Jack's head close as emotion overcame his restraint and he began trying to tuck his head into Mama's rather large navel. MedBud smiled with the radiant benevolence she is known for, then became serious again as she pointed toward the destruction in Multnomah Park, a pioneer cemetery in SE Portland.

MedBud began again, "This cemetery is where the pioneer Oliver Lent is buried. Look at it now," As she spoke, MedBud waved her arm at the scene like a beauty queen waving from a parade. The gesture wasn't lost on Loft who started to get angry about the desecration until Mama told him to stop hopping around, handing him a dose of the revered strain of medicine known as Purple Panacea. The scene the couple stood near is a nine acre lot in the heart of SE where people have been buried for the last 124 years. The desecration of the sight includes the disruption and destruction of beautiful old monuments and the disinterment of antique coffins that Methhead Mac and his Maniacs are marketing to collectors of funerary antiquities. As Mama spoke she noted her nemesis, Methhead Mandy - who is Mac's significant other - wandering through the scene of destruction. Mandy was accompanied by a large, lean sow exhibiting traits consistent with amphetamine abuse - rapid chaotic movements, chewing on things that aren't there, grunting obsessively.

The sow ran about rooting beneath the beautiful Douglas firs the Maniacs prepared to cut down while a Chinese lumber broker plied them with amphetamine and the promise of more. Loft looked baffled as he watched the wired pig root, then run back to Methhead Mandy where it would rub its posterior on her leg. Mama saw the questioning look on Jack's face, laughing a little as she began to explain.

"That's a trained truffle pig. They can smell subterranean mushrooms, called truffles, that kind of mimic the smell of boar sex hormones. The truffles grow beneath Doug firs where the pig will root a bit, letting the truffle hunter know that it's there; but the smell makes the pig horny, which is OK for some of the most deranged maniacs.
Loft looked up at MedBud reverentially saying, "Gosh Ms. MedBud, you sure know a lot about everything."

MedBud just smiled, gave Jack a pat on the head, then looked back toward the scene of devastation. The Mayor of Portland wandered around Multnomah Park looking for a casket that had been rejected by the Maniacs. He looked confused and disheveled, occasionally looking toward the sky while yelling in a rasping voice, "Breed love, not war!" A young man accompanied him, pushing the casket the mayor had found into a vacant grave after the mayor had climbed into the box. Then the young man began covering the grave, later explaining that the mayor said that 'being buried alive is better than another day in office. A group of maniacs who were not members of the motorcycle club stood by yelling, "dig him up and recall him," but Beau wouldn't do it.

MedBud looked at Jack, cracked open a fifth of medical Sang Som, then lit a dose of Purple Panacea in her Chong medical device. "Just another day in Portland Jack." But Jack didn't hear her as he watched Von Hagen working on a quasi-mummified corpse nearby. Just another day in Portland...