Local authorities are seeking public assistance from anyone who may have information about a series of horrific crimes an interagency task force believes are the fiendish acts of one person. The crimes, which have been occurring since the middle of the summer are believed to have been committed by a single individual dubbed the Glory Hole Killer (GHK). Interagency Spokesperson Al Argus, who is also working under cover at sex related shops in the Metro area filled us in.

According to Officer Argus, who doubles as the interagency chaplain, "We had no idea what was going on in these places, which are frequented by people suffering Masturbation Addiction Disorder (MAD). . Most host dimly lit pornographic arcades where a predominantly male audience can visit booths with windows capable of being seen through both ways at the discretion of the patrons. If both fellahs like what they see, it's a go. Some booths are large enough to include a small cot type structure that we hope will never bear testimony to the things it has seen. But it's the "glory holes" that seem to attract our killer. These are simply holes between booths that measure about three inches in diameter. When I first visited a booth with the GH, I thought that the hole was simple vandalism. That's when I saw the coke bottle lens of a pair of glasses pressed against the hole while a lustful eye peered from behind it. The next thing I knew a rather large penis emerged into my space."

Interviewer: "What was your reaction Officer Argus?"

"Well, since it's kind of a public space, I figured it must be public indecency, so I whipped out the micro cuffs we all carry, slapped one cuff on the offending object, securing the other end to the chair in the booth. You should have heard that dude howl when the chair hit the wall as he pulled back. Think the guy gained a couple more inches in the process. Turned out it was a fellow officer's son, so we let him go, figuring that stretched out cumby was punishment enough for the 16-year-old."

Interviewer: "What's up with this GHK?"

"All we've been able to gather is that the guy strikes during full moons. He whispers with a lispy accent using Thai slang for fellatio, which is the word 'smoking,' saying that he wants to smoke his victims. He gets ahold of the member as it enters his booth through the hole, then neatly lops it off. The victims go into shock almost immediately and the guy takes off, meaning we don't have much of a description. Some victims have survived the blood loss, but all they can tell us is that when the guy goes first they've seen what one man described as a 'big, hairy, lumpy moose cock tattooed like a king cobra. In fact, as it enters the booth it rears like a cobra ready to strike and seems to have its own dexterity, or be articulated in some way."

Interviewer: "No one has seen the man make his escape?"

"A couple of people have seen a guy in a cloak with a baggy hood and aviator shades leaving. Guess the guy is always mumbling something about technology in his characteristic lisp. Several nicknames for the guy have been used, 'Third Leg Lopper, Cumby Chopper, Bobbit Bill.' What we're asking is for people to keep an eye out for oddballs who dress like this clown, or have genital markings similar to those described. I mean, there couldn't be too many cobra cocks out there - especially ones that are capable of moving like a snake."

Interviewer: "We'll get the word out there Officer Argus! Is there anything else you'd like to add or include?"

"Yeah, there is one other thing: the guy always smells like some kind of medicine and takes the members with him. One witness said GHK carries a box of Twinkies under one arm and was chewing on something as he left. We haven't figured out what all this means, but with the publics help we may."