As a conservative, Christian American, I find the latest assault on our values is beyond outrageous. I'm talking about the homophiles' response to the Boy Scouts of America maintaining their tradition not allowing homosexuals to join their organization. This came to my attention when an effeminate young man, who had obviously curled his hair came to my door wearing the "Gay Scouts of America" uniform. This consists of a hot pink beret, a rainbow colored neckerchief, a frilly pastel-pink shirt unbuttoned to bellow the navel, hot pink hot pants, knee high rainbow socks and a pair of white high heel shoes. Fellow conservatives can imagine my horror as the lad asked me in a gay drawl if I'd like to buy some "Gay Scout Twinkles." These, it turns out, are pink, cream-filled pastries, dyed (you guessed it) pink. I was further horrified as my young son approached from behind me and the Gay Scout winked at him.

Now, every preacher in every church knows the seeds of homosexuality were sown in San Francisco by the counterculture. First it was the marijuana, the long hair worn by males, then came the butt-patting, buggering practices of drug crazed fiends who have, ever since, tried to normalize gaiety in our society. Now the Gay Scouts are trying to recruit our sons to participate in camping trips supervised by Gay Scout leaders they call "mothers," transvestites wearing high heel hiking boots! The most frequent outing is to hot springs where all sorts of badges are awarded for all manner of decadent behaviors. What, in God's name, is going on in this country? The moral foundation of America is crumbling into a sea of sin where gay mermaids frolic amidst waves Gay Scouts surf for badges, I can't take any more of this: Gay Scouts at the door, sadonecropedapyrobeastaphiliacs, evanid and "Konstant Kitty!" When, where, how will it all end? I'm going to call Bush's kid to see if she has any more of that Xanax. Maybe Rush has some more pain killers I can borrow. Goddamn liberals! Maybe I'll enlist in the military and kill some kids in Iraq. At least there my fellow recruits don't ask and don't tell, leaving my latent homosexual tendencies in the closet where they belong.