I found this letter that i wrote to this guy i had a crush on in reality there was nothing between us just one night that we slept together meaning we just slept.  I kinda created a whole fantasy around it becuase i was bored and it entertained me and kept me going. (the letter was never sent)


October 25, 2006
You-

    I can’t help but retrace the events that lead up to our extrication over and over.  Thinking about what I could have done to prevent this tragedy that has been eating away at my mind.  I can only prey that you will accept my apology that follows: I should have just acted as myself around you but instead I acted like an immature girl who is ignorant to the world.  Which ended up giving you the wrong impression of me.  Then I go on asking for a relationship when we barely even know each other, which that right there killed anything we had going, or at least what you had going for me.  And also the fact that you interpreted the word relationship as dating made this worse when all I meant was anything from friends to friends with benefits to dating.  Then I realized that since I have no clue who you are I am obviously lusting your physical attributes, for some reason you are just what I am craving at the moment.  I don’t know what it is, maybe your mysterious ways? No.  I’m thinking its because your cute and I haven’t met anyone like you before, so you were a breath of fresh air in my life that was nice to have around. Now, however, that I know more of who you are as a person I am kind of turned off by you.  You seem too egotistical because you just leave the conversation halfway threw as though you are too good for me.  You are very scatter brained, and care too much about work.  Yes it is important to do well in school but come the fuck on the way you do it is very abnormal.  On the other hand I’m not going to lie, it was nice laying in your arms for the half an hour we had together before her cries caused me to dash home.  I felt, and that’s that you made me feel something. More specifically I felt home.  And I have been numb pretty much my whole life.  Then I listened to the conversation that was going on between us and it was going very well and I could feel a connection.  But somehow I think it wasn’t a connection but just an illusion caused by the alcohol.  Even then I still don’t know who you are and the more and more you become distant to me, I create an ideal image of who you are.  I keep hoping and pushing towards you being my perfect or at least close to my perfect match.  And that is what kills me.  But I think it is better this connection has ended or never was. If you ended up pursuing me in anyway I would have ended up pushing you away.  And that’s just the way I am, the more people want me or my accepting of them, I push them away, I get repulsed by how weak they are that they try so hard to get me to like or love them.  I am very confusing and contradicting. I am very unemotional as well; the only thing that made me cry that wasn’t from physical pain was the death of my pet.  Once I heard that phone ring I just knew it, then hearing that it was my neighbor confirmed my predictions and without any one telling me that my pet died I left the room and began to cry. The only people that have seen me cry are my immediate family.  Not my cousin, not my grandmother, not even my best friend.  I tend to be independent or at least secretive about when I am upset.  I run away and let no one help me when I am hurt because I know that the only person that knows exactly what I need is myself.  And I also tend to be more spontaneous and driven when I am frustrated.  I try and get away from the daily norm just so I don’t go insane; I also create things when something is going wrong and listen to music.  Music is a big get-away for me. Very often I desire to feel something, and that came true when I was with you.  But I don’t know what to say now.  Should I keep talking to you in hopes of a friendship or just not even bother unless I see any initiation from you? If only I could send this letter.

-An enigma