Interviewer: How ya been?

JM: It's been hard, man. I keep staying up late, masturbating to reviews of my record in British weeklies, and drinking Mexican Coca-Cola. You know, putting peanuts in Coke is delicious.

I: Really?

JM: Sometimes.. I don't know. I try, ya know. They tell me. I tell me.

I: What do you mean?

JM: Fuck you, fella. I have every right in the world to make no sense at all. This is my 'Bob Dylan at Heathrow with the big ass lightbulb interview'. Leave it be.

I: Ok. ok. Let's move on?

JM: Where to?

I: Well, how about discussing your love life?

JM: I meant where are we going? I'm hungry and I want a piece of quiche. Or maybe some pate. I roll like that now. I eat so much shrimp I have iodine poisoning.

I: I'd prefer to just finish the interview.

JM: Who cares what you'd prefer. Actually, I do. I mean, I'm trying to be a more open and loving individual. Maybe then my wife will take me back.

I: So she left.

JM: Yeah, you knew that.

I: Why?

JM: Look at me, man, listen to the ridiculous racket that comes raining out of my throat. Nonsense, all of it.

I: That's true.

JM: See? You're getting it now. She left and I can't get over her; never will.

I: How do you know you'll never get over her?

JM: Because I do. Because I fucking decided not to; never.

I: Decided?

JM: Yeah, that's what people do. They decide whether their gonna buy the soft toilet paper or the sandpaper stuff. One feels good but the other lasts forever. They decide whether they want to drive or walk to work. They decide everything. That's it. The answer. You get it.

I: Got it.

JM: Good. Here's your next lesson: never go hunting with a blind person. It never works out well. I've tried several times with different "hunters" and still have bird shot in my left testicle and pellets lodged in my taint.

I: Taint?

JM: Yeah, it taint here and it taint there. It's between your pee pee and your asshole. Got it.

I: Yes. What about music?

JM: I don't believe in it. I have made a concerted effort to decide it no longer exists. I: Really? Interesting.

JM: No, not really. An it's not interesting. None of this is interesting. Isn't that why we're doing this interview?

I: Yeah, I guess so.

JM: Do you wanna watch "True Grit" again and pretend there's no ambiguity to life again; no gray, just black and white, right and wrong, love and death?

I: Yes. If we can get a Chinese from that place with the good General Tsao's Chicken again.

JM: Fine.