An Open Letter to Chas. Prophet on the Occasion of His Tour with John Murry

Dear Sir,

We've never met, but I am compelled to write to you today to offer advice re: hitting the road with John.

As a fellow Chuck and sometime musical co-conspirator of a certain Mississippi-bred lunatic of our mutual acquaintance, I am honor-bound to let you in on the following Ten Things You Should Know Before Getting Into a Van With John:

1. There may come a time when John buys a trick lighter that shocks you when you try to light it. You may fall for it, once. At the time, it may even be funny. Still: be warned that John will not care if you grow wise to his tricks and refuse to use his Zappo, as he will simply jab you in the neck with it, while you are driving, in order to set it off.

2. Beware traffic jams. He will get bored. When John is bored, he tends to pick fights with the passengers of cars stuck in traffic next to you. Know that he is liable to try to get out of the car to settle disputes with other drivers regarding his choices in ten-gallon headwear.

3. Should you see a sign that advertises fireworks, distract him. Otherwise, you will lose at least half an hour – if not a finger – as John discovers the joys of Mexican cherry bombs.

4.  John is an excellent liar. This has its upside, as when he spins tales of tours of Mississippi roadhouses  up and down US-98 opening for Blue Mountain, or the Bottle Rockets, to convince gullible booking agents that his band would be the perfect opening act on a Friday night at Schuba's.  The downside is that you may believe him when he vows to stick to the set list, help carry things, or not to antagonize your newly born-again guitarist by calling him "Jesus Boy" so often that he quits the band.

5. If you get pulled over, know that he will holler the following at the cop while hanging out of the passenger side window as you sit in the police cruiser on your best behavior: "PUT THE CUFFS ON HIM!".  He will do this even if you have been kind enough to drive his car for him, which he can't drive, because the State of Tennessee has taken his license from him, for good reason.

6. When it is late, and you are tired of driving, and the only thing you want in the world is to hear "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go," do not remark upon it. Because he will put Blood on the Tracks in the cd player, wait for the song to start, and then skip forward to "Jack of Hearts" and listen to all eight damn minutes. Twice.

7. There may come a time when you let go of the wheel to take a swing at him, perhaps because he has put "Jack of Hearts" on the car stereo despite your strenuous objections. If you are pulling a trailer full of gear, steer with your knees and pump the brakes as you punch him.

8. Know that if the club owner gets pissed at him for something, Mr. Murry will sell you out in a heartbeat to avoid an ass-kicking.   When said club owner grabs you by the throat to inquire as to why you brought an opening act that plays a drum kit made of coffee cans filled with nails and sings a song called "Columbine Shotgun Blues," take a deep breath, go limp, and say "I don't care what he told you, I'm just a sideman and that was his call." 

9. Remember that bit in The Blues Brothers where they drink more than they got paid? John does, and will add people to the band tab to achieve his goal. Practice your wind sprints, and get paid up front. I don't know about England, but they take that stuff real serious in Oxford, Mississippi.

10. Last, but certainly not least, remember the Boy Scout motto: be prepared. For instance, invest in a small can of Thompson's Water Seal. You may think, for example, that your  '72 Vox Apollo IV bass is a precious and fairly delicate artifact deserving of the kindest and most gentle treatment from your comrades-in-arms.  This is not necessarily so, as the presence of touchy vintage gear is pretty much a dare as far as John is concerned, and should your stage banter fail to impress, he is quite capable of dousing the both of you with a pitcher of draft beer to shut you up.

All of that said, have a great trip back to the old country.

Cordially,

C. Brady Potts