Sometimes, nothing but an elegant "Fuck you" is appropriate.  Case in point: I was visiting an interweb forum on Sept. 11th and clicked on a thread titled Six Years Later or something like that. The point of the original post was that it's six years later and bin Laden hasn't been caught yet, thousands have died in Iraq and bin Laden hasn't been caught or killed yet.

OK, legitimate criticism there. Then somebody starts in about how there's no evidence al Queda and Usama bin Laden were behind the attack. It was the Bush family, it was Halliburton, the Jews, blah blah blah.

Now that my friends is precisely the type of person the bird and a calm "Fuck you" were invented for. So that's what I typed. "Fuck you for writing that...on this day." The same person then tried to engage me with links to websites, FBI photos and such to which I responded "You're a piece of shit. I'm done talking to turds." I really am.

Ahhhhh that was refreshing. A few days later I was driving across town with my 20 year old daughter. As I was making a left turn onto a freeway onramp, a car in the right lane next to me swerves into our lane with no signal. I brake to avoid the collision and the car scoots in front of us. It makes it to the meter light maybe 5 seconds before we did. Once on the freeway, I signal and begin to move to the center lane but the same car cut me off again. Without a feckin turn signal!!!

Note to GM: Give the Union everything they want. Just leave the blinkers off all the cars you build. Problem solved.

Back on the freeway, everything slows down, there is a distant ringing in my ears...my window rolls down, my left arm comes out. I have long ago settled on the trucker variation, with my thumb firmly securing the index, middle and ring fingers. It looks just like a fist until the middle finger springs forth.

Like a switchblade baby.

The bird is powerful. My daughter recoils in disgust and admonishes me simply with my job title..."Dad!" The offending car is accelerating away from us at over 70 miles per hour but when the finger is released, the brake lights flare and the car swerves within it's lane a good 50 yds. ahead.

As I come up behind the mid sized sedan, it moves over (without a signal) into the fast lane. I finally get my first glance at the driver, a middle aged Armenian woman. Ooooo she's pissed. She's screaming something as we hurtle down the freeway, windows down but I can't hear it.

Our exit is approaching, I signal (I just can't break the useless habit) and move over to the right. She veers completey across the freeway without...well you know, and exits with us. We're going slower now and I can hear her cursing me violently. My daughter is pressed up against the passenger door and shielding her face as we come to a stop.

Up to this point, I haven't said a word to this woman who has almost hit me with her car twice and now she is stopped holding up traffic behind her and obscenely commenting about my mother and things I put in my mouth. Then she says "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOUSELF YOU PRICK!!!

I said "You're a piece of shit, and I don't talk to turds."