So, I've been internet dating recently and my, has it been an experience. Not all bad, I'm happy to say; but there are some really special cases out there. So, in case any of you feel the need to go this route, here are a few tips:

•  Get a great photo. Really: can't emphasis this one enough. It's sad but true to say we live in a world of body fascists and snobs. Initially I had a photo where I looked “sweet” and did okay; I changed it to one where I looked sultry, nay, hot and reader, my hit rate rocketed.

•  Write an original profile. Here's the thing: if you asked people to list their good qualities then guess what? Pretty much the entire universe is going to declare themselves to be easy-going, generous, kind and loving, with a good sense of humour. To declare that they love to go out with their friends but – shock horror – they equally really love a quiet night in with a bottle of wine. You write that and you sound like every other jock online. Please. Be different. A shopping list of standard human being qualities is not the way to go.

•  If you like someone, email them. In hetero-world, there is a system on the net-dating sites whereby you can signal your interest via a “wink” or similar, as opposed to sending an email. For some reason, guys who wink very rarely follow through with anything else, even if you respond. [Amusingly, our gay cousins don't have that half-way house facility. It's straight in there and here's-a-photo-of-my-cock only]

•  Don't ever date anyone without a photo. In my naïve first days I got into conversation with a chap who sounded interesting and a few emails later we met for coffee. His profile said he was 35. Apart from being ugly [yes, I'm a body fascist too] you could add a decade to that and not get change. So I sat there and seethed with resentment that I was wasting an hour of my life talking to a dull ugly Welshman who thought I was so stupid I wouldn't notice his wrinkles and grey hair. To add insult to injury, during the coffee I asked him his age and he said 37: he couldn't even remember the lie he'd told on line.

•  Accept that there are sleazebags out there. One of my least favourite mails was from a guy who bluntly announced that he could tell I was up for it from my photo [the revised sultry one, obviously]: he was married for 2 yrs but wasn't getting any and we should hook up – although I should make sure I had shaved my legs first {excuse me?}. Charmed, I'm sure. And then you get guys who think that writing a “horny” email to someone they've never met is the way to go. I guess there are girls out there that like it but I'm with the majority who think it's just weird.

•  Accept that the Internet has people think geography doesn't matter. I get frequent email from guys wanting to date me: not a bad thing, you may think, but they live in Boston , or Florida : exactly how is that to work? Personally, I won't even consider guys who live in South London because let's face it; if you live more than an hour apart it's just too much of an effort. Making a connection with a stranger is difficult enough already, so give yourself help, not hindrance. Apparently guys have a slightly different problem; with emails arriving from lovely young ladies in Ukraine or Kazakhstan et al.

•  Don't ever, ever send a poem. Bizarrely, I've had at least 3 poems, and every time, I think: why? Because there are only 2 possible conclusions: either you have genuinely fallen in love with me via an internet profile enough to write an entire poem, in which case you're a psycho and I don't want to date you. Or else you send a standard poem out to every girl you like in case one of them falls for it: in which case you're a sleaze and I don't want to date you.

•  Be nice. Why not? It's nice to be nice. Even if the guy is the psycho with a poem, have a heart and explain, kindly, that you don't think you and he are a match. They really appreciate it. And if you wish them good luck in their future hunting, even better.

The good thing about internet dating is that it does seem to finally have come of age, and be accepted in the mainstream. No one has raised anything more than an eyebrow when I tell them what I'm doing. And the horror stories from the men I meet are great: the Australian goth who insisted on showing pictures of her kittens and turned stalker; the lawyer who was so dull her date escaped through a bathroom window. And you get to see what an abundance of single men there are out there: great for those of us listening to that biological clock tick-tocking away.

Every day another couple of men will have signalled their interest, and you get very reductive very quickly in your selection process. Which brings me back to the title: men as shopping. You are able to reduce men to a list of simple qualities and if they don't match, they go back on that supermarket shelf. {Mine? Oh. Simple: must be taller than me {sex appeal}, earn a reasonable income {intelligence, ambition}, be able to write well {education} and live close {convenience}. No kids {in theory I'm liberal about this one, but in reality; it's not your first choice, is it?} So there we go: not too much to ask, is it?