It's demonic, it takes you over, it possesses you, it builds castle like impervious walls around you, it silences you and can sometimes convince you that the only escape is death.

I've just come through another bout of depression which started at the end of August, no warning apart from a couple of weeks feeling anxious and fearful for no apparent reason. In the early stages I was fighting the anxiety, making myself go out, putting myself amongst people and making myself go the the place that I hate most, The Supermarket. This is a territory that brings it home usually, I start comparing myself with others, they are functioning and I can't even remember what day it is let alone what I went there for. I make a list because I know from old that I'll walk through the doors and forget everything I wanted, its a place of confusion. The list that I've made will be 'left on the side', and I'll  find myself going home feeling useless and letting my demonic little demon tell my things like, 'Your doing it again, your on a slippery slope, your not safe out here, you don't belong with these people, you have nothing in common with the world, your useless and your totally on your own!', amongst other detriments. 

Unhinged fear sets in, I try and make some sense out of how I'm feeling, I tell myself I'm not depressed but can't explain to myself what it's like not be depressed, if feels as though I've always felt like this but on the other hand I feel abnormal. I start to fear depression but have no registration point of what it's like to feel 'normal', perhaps I've always felt like this? If I'm feeling normal I really don't want to feel any worse! It's a madness that becomes relentless, whats madness? Am I going mad? The saying 'I'm not feeling myself' becomes a reality, theres someone else in here with me, I know them but I know they are only a part of me, not the whole deal but they are taking over, swallowing up all thats positive and making my negatives positive to trick me into the fact that that's how I should be feeling.

The world sucks, it's full of people that are deliberately lying, they know the truth so why do they play the corporate game, why do they join in with doing something that they hate, to fit in? Oh to pay the bills! How can they be so strong to go against their true instincts, is that their true instinct? I've got to change the world and I feel so powerless, can't they see? Now the depression has meaning, I'm in the wrong world, thats what it is! Thats why I feel so isolated and the outside is so frightening, at least in here I can be safe-ish, thats if nobody knocks at my door, thats if no-one wants to meet me. Depression has now got me on my own to do what it wants with me, shit I'm giving it control, I'm letting it take over and it's somehow sneering at me. If I'm going mad then how can I know that I'm going mad, how can I comprehend the thought that there is someone in here with me, in my head, when if I'm mad I just would be? The discussions continue, day in, day out, sleepness nights that feel safe because the world has gone to sleep and I don't have to perform for it, safe in my turmoiled bed in the dark, no expectations, It's painful but at least no-one can see me in my pain, that would be embarrassing eh!

I make my way to the doctors and in the waiting room I'm tricked again, my mind here has the registration point it needs from the last time I was depressed, 'Your not as bad as the last time, look at the pot half full instead of half empty, why are you here?' Is that my voice or the depression kidding me the pot is half full so it can empty it again when it gets me in another vulnerable moment? 'Mr Degnin?' I walk to the door of my doctors putting on a smile, I feel I have let him down feeling depressed again 'I tell him I'm a bit low but blame it on my skin infection' I walk out having interacted with a kind person that I trust, I feel ok for a while and then I panic on the way home, shaking, palapatations, sweating, sickness, feeling as though I'm going to pass out, lose consciousness, is it blood sugars? No I think it's a panic attack.

I get myself home somehow and drink some sweet tea. I feel myself taking control again for a short while which is good, I know now I have a validation of who I am and can differentiate from the evil presence that is trying to take up residence in my head. Some respite in the fact that I know now I am depressed and that I'm still here somewhere, I can now identify the destructive thoughts when they creep in again, on guard, on guard, keep the awareness at critical point, watching the depression can then be as simple as watching the night take the day, black and white until the beast twists my reality again using the technique 'shades of grey' that gently lead me back into the darkness. I go though this process usually for three to four months, I can function only in short bursts. I think I should be talking to someone close about it but imagine my friends would not understand. It's arduous trying to explain it to myself. I usually don't talk about it, put on a smiley face and hope they don't notice, it's easier and I don't want to scare them or have them worrying over me. This is another illusion depression creates, of course it would be good to talk to someone and I know deeply that my close friends would want to help but the depression needs to keep me isolated so it's safe from any positivity.

I now understand that this is learnt behaviour and armed with this knowledge I am now developing personal techniques to pull myself out of the dive. When I'm in the midst of the darkness I know that I won't be there for ever. Positive effort is required to see the light, 'It doesn't rain forever, the sun always comes out again'. Depression will try and tell me otherwise but I find if I acknowledge it, I know there's a path away from it. For years I have tried to ignore Depression and it creeps up on me and twats me on the back of the head, before I know it I have gone down to what feels like the point of no return.

Looking at my diaries over the past fifteen years there are huge six month gaps, the last entry before the gap might be slightly on the low side, then there comes the gap and then some notes about what hell I've been through during the gap. This time I've tried to write through the blackness which has given me some sense of achievement and positive self regard.

The basic human needs are a good reference point to clarify and pinpoint the areas I've been neglecting. It gives me something to work on. 

1. The need to give and receive attention.

"No Man Is An Island"

Without regular quality contact with other people, mental condition, emotional state and behaviour can suffer quite drastically.

2. Taking heed of the mind body connection. This is so important, and so often neglected. Without correct and regular nutrition, sleep and exercise, your psychological state can suffer considerably. It is often seen that young people, on leaving home and the structure that provides, succumb to one mental illness or another. Their mealtimes, sleep patterns and other regular habits become disrupted, with predictable consequences. It seems that people are increasingly treating themselves as machines!

3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.

"The devil will make work for idle hands to do." Perhaps the overriding element that sets human beings apart from other animals is the ability to identify, analyse and solve problems. This is what enabled us to develop to where we have. If this ability is under-used, the imagination can start to create problems of its own - perhaps in an attempt to give you something to do because it is not occupied doing anything else. Regardless, if a person is deprived of the outward focus and satisfaction created by achieving goals, mental illness is often close behind. The need for meaning is perhaps even more profound. Viktor Frankl's book 'Man's Search for Meaning' documents the impact of lack of meaning on concentration camp prisoners, of which he was one. He says in it that "What is the meaning of life?" is a question that is asked of you, not one that you yourself ask. It is a hugely powerful and important read when considering mental health.

4. A sense of community and making a contribution.

Tying in with the need for meaning, this basic need provides a context for a person. It gives them a reason for being, over and above their own personal needs, that has been shown to benefit the immune system, mental health and happiness. One obvious fulfiller of this need is religion, but can also be an idea shared with others, a club, charity or community work. In fact, anything that takes the focus off the self.

5. The need for challenge and creativity .

Learning something new, expanding horizons, improving on existing skills all provide a sensation of progress and achievement. Without this, a person can feel worthless, or that there is no real reason for their being.

6. The need for intimacy .

Tying in with the need for attention, it seems that people have a need to share their ideas, hopes and dreams with others close to them. For some, this can be as simple a talking to a loved pet, but for most of us, it requires that we have at least one individual with whom we can converse 'on the same level'.

7. The need to feel a sense of control.

"All your eggs in one basket."

The results of total loss of control over your surroundings, relationships or body are not hard to imagine, and have been well documented.From survivors of torture, to someone losing their job, those who are able to maintain a sense of control somewhere in their life fare the best. This is why having a variety of interests and activities is so important.

8. The need for a sense of status.

It’s important to feel important. And we all know some people for whom this need is too important! However, if someone feels recognised for being a grandmother or parent or good son or daughter, this may be enough. Young people finding their feet can have improved self-esteem if they feel they have attained a position of trust and recognition.

9. The need for a sense safety and security.

We need to feel our environment is basically secure and reasonably predictable. Financial security, physical safety and health, and the fulfilment of other basic needs all contribute to the completion of this need. As with all of the following needs we can take it too far and become obsessive about it - you will see this sometimes if the need for creativity is not met.

Many Needs, One Life.

It may seem that a life that meets all of these needs would be intolerably busy. But of course, one activity can meet many needs. Charity work for example, could be said to fulfil 1, 3, 4 and 5, and could contribute to 6 and 7.

Walking with a friend as a pastime might go towards 1, 2, 3, 5 and 6.

Generally, what this suggests, and what has been borne out by recent research, is that a more complex life is a more healthy one. Then if one area of life fails or is taken away from you, your basic needs are maintained, at least in part, by those that survive.

I have gained a lot of benefit from these nine points and now use this to pinpoint a problem area within my lifestyle that might have led to a bout of depression. It can take away some of the confusion and at least focus me to what I should be having a look at. I'm still learning but I now know I have a small effective armoury of help which I can call upon. Don't give in eh!